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Cenizo · Guest

"How to Write a Bestseller Just Like Twilight:1. Abuse the thesaurus (correct word usage optional; purple prose is a must). If you want to Ã¢â‚¬Ëœspice upâ€™ your writing so that it sounds just like Meyerâ€™s, a handy thesaurus is key. Then you too can write glorious and dazzling (and dazzlingly glorious) passages like the following:"He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didnâ€™t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal."If you do not have at least three modifiers* for every noun, youâ€™re doing it wrong. Some authors like George Orwell (1984, Animal Farm) have rules like â€œNever use a long word where a short one will doâ€ and â€œIf it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it outâ€, but since Stephenie Meyer is apparently the golden standard for writing young adult literature these days, itâ€™s probably best to ignore Orwell and follow her example instead.* Bonus points if you use the same modifier multiple times in close proximity of one another. Good examples of words to use this way include â€œchagrinâ€, â€œmurmuredâ€, and â€œchuckledâ€.2. Do not research. It is not necessary to waste time getting biology facts, cultural lore, or cultural history correct. For example, if you choose to set your novel in a real-life place, donâ€™t bother visiting it. If you incorporate the ideas of another culture, such as that of the Sioux Native Americans, absolutely do not speak to any Sioux elders or Sioux scholars-as the author, you have no responsibility to accurately portray anything. Instead, take what history you can find out on the Internet and feel free to bastardize their cultural lore so that it fits into your story. Also, if you decide to use science to explain some of your fantasy elements, donâ€™t bother making it logically or factually sound.3. Do not give your characters personalities. Instead, make sure that your female lead is as perfect as possible (but donâ€™t forget to give her a contrived sense of humility). Obviously she must be pretty and smart, but donâ€™t bother giving examples of her intelligence; all you have to do to tie up that loose end is mention bad interpretations of classic literature. To make sure that she isnâ€™t TOO perfect, she needs a flaw. This is where it gets tricky; if you give her a true flaw, like hubris, she is less appealing. Therefore, use a â€œflawâ€ like clumsiness so that a) she is endearingly klutzy (allowing socially awkward young girls to put themselves in her shoes) and b) you have a great deus ex machina that allows your male lead* to swoop in and save the heroine from impaling** herself on a pencil after an attempt at a magic trick.* It is sometimes helpful to give your female heroine an Electra complex, as this further romanticizes the idea of the male hero carrying her around, watching her as she sleeps, being 100+ years older than her, etc., etc.** It is important to note that the heroine should not have to sacrifice anything besides her ambition. If you think she SHOULD sacrifice something, make sure that sheâ€™s only giving up her family and friends so that the she can devote her entire life and purpose of being to the hero. She should NOT have any kind of hobbies, interests, etc. outside of the hero, and if he leaves her she should become suicidal.That brings me to the male lead. While itâ€™s a given that he must be a perfect physical specimen, be careful not to give him any actual identifying characteristics because this will reduce your readerâ€™s ability to superimpose the image of her own Ã¢â‚¬Ëœperfect manâ€™ over the hollow shell of your character. As for personal traits, itâ€™s extremely effective to write him as a caricature of the Byronic hero. Your hero should be brooding, pseudo-dangerous, and have a deep, dark secret to cement his status as a sexy Ã¢â‚¬Ëœbad boyâ€™. Additionally, he must be extremely wealthy, drive fast cars, and enjoy watching the heroine sleep unawares.4. Ensure that your heroine and heroâ€™s relationship is abusive. An effective way to do this is to make sure that your male hero fulfills several of the requirements for relational abuse. A good definition of that is this one, from Wikipedia:Abusive relationships are often characterized by jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, infidelity, sexual coercion, verbal abuse, broken promises, physical violence, control games and power plays.Personally, I recommend using jealousy, lack of intimacy, sexual coercion, broken promises, and controlling behavior because those are all quite easy to justify; all the hero must do is claim that he acts out of his desire to protect the heroine from danger because of his overwhelming love for her. Additionally, if there is another possible romantic interest for the heroine outside of the hero, isolating the heroine from him is a particularly effective method for the hero to use. One example might be siphoning the gasoline from the heroineâ€™s moped to prevent her from leaving her house.It is especially important to note that the heroine must not find fault in the hero for his abusive actions, as that would make him much less appealing. Instead, she should excuse his behavior by saying â€œhe just loves meâ€ and then continue to submit to his will.If youâ€™re worried that this might send a bad message to young, hormonal teenagers struggling through their own romantic relationships, donâ€™t be. After all, as Heather says, â€œThis is a BOOK a FICTIONOUS BOOKâ€, and no one has ever been influenced by a work of fiction in the history of the world, ever. Not even people back in the 1800s who read books like Uncle Tomâ€™s Cabin. In the same way that people are not influenced by advertising or by peer pressure, reading novels does not have the least bit influence on anyone, least of all teenagers whose brains havenâ€™t finished developing.5. There should be no plot. Even though you may think that rising action, climax, falling action, and character development are important in a novel, theyâ€™re not. Instead, focus on the perfection of the male hero. If your editor forces you to write a plot, make sure itâ€™s just another opportunity for the hero to save the heroine.6. Profit!"Source: http://psa.blastmagazine.com/2008/08/23/twilight-a ...TL;DR: Twilight is ***** lol.
...until they catch you staring?

Kenson · Guest

“Not true. Rupee fell after India's nuke tests. RBI intervened few years back to raise from Rs 37 to around Rs 39. Present appreciation of dollar (depreciation of rupee) is bcoz of panic buying by global investors. India has started to diversify. Recently they bought 200 tonnes of gold by trading their forex reserves.

Renny · Guest

I was going to say the same thing...it is ***** how we value one life more than the other in these instances..
This explains why they've been so reluctant to disclose their raw data or exact methodologies.!

Temarre · Guest

I know it's 'offtopic' from this match fixing topic, but I still think corruption that's rooted deep into FIFA. How come thousands of people in the stands see the handball, but the linesmen and referee ALL miss it? Why do you think FIFA aren't doing anything about it? The solution is simple really - give players the opportunity to admit to hand-balling immediately after the goal, and then the referee can disallow it. If they don't then they get a lengthy ban after the match when they admit to it a day later, as Henry did - who's credibility is shattered now, and will spend the rest of his career like Maradona did. boo'd everywhere apart from France.?
(In anticipation of the inevitable "Rachel Carson caused millions to die because of the DDT ban" posts)See http://scienceblogs.com/deltoid/2007/05/who_put_ou ..."The simple argument they used to drive a wedge between public health and environment was that we had to choose between birds and people. That by banning DDT to protect birds, environmentalists caused many people to die from malaria."The only problem with the simple argument is that it is contradicted by the story of the fight against malaria. The standard history of this is Gordon Harrison's Mosquitoes, malaria, and man: A history of the hostilities since 1880, and he tells you the real reasons why the plan to eradicate malaria failed. It had nothing to do with Rachel Carson stabbing DDT in the back and more to do with mosquitoes evolving resistance to DDT, just as Carson had warned. You don't have to choose between birds and people -- protecting birds by banning the agricultural use of DDT also protects people by slowing the evolution of resistance."Read the linked article for details.

Avinne · Guest

*****, I was taught evolution at a private catholic school in New Zealand. It seems to me the US is the only ***** up religious place.

Bamz21 · Guest

This one was a hit, apparently.

Sanesh · Guest

What are you guys talking about, the survey is correct.If you have 10 drinks a day you will DEFINATELY NOT die of heart disease

Stanton · Guest

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