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Kunal Shahi · Guest

"How to Write a Bestseller Just Like Twilight:1. Abuse the thesaurus (correct word usage optional; purple prose is a must). If you want to Ã¢â‚¬Ëœspice upâ€™ your writing so that it sounds just like Meyerâ€™s, a handy thesaurus is key. Then you too can write glorious and dazzling (and dazzlingly glorious) passages like the following:"He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didnâ€™t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal."If you do not have at least three modifiers* for every noun, youâ€™re doing it wrong. Some authors like George Orwell (1984, Animal Farm) have rules like â€œNever use a long word where a short one will doâ€ and â€œIf it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it outâ€, but since Stephenie Meyer is apparently the golden standard for writing young adult literature these days, itâ€™s probably best to ignore Orwell and follow her example instead.* Bonus points if you use the same modifier multiple times in close proximity of one another. Good examples of words to use this way include â€œchagrinâ€, â€œmurmuredâ€, and â€œchuckledâ€.2. Do not research. It is not necessary to waste time getting biology facts, cultural lore, or cultural history correct. For example, if you choose to set your novel in a real-life place, donâ€™t bother visiting it. If you incorporate the ideas of another culture, such as that of the Sioux Native Americans, absolutely do not speak to any Sioux elders or Sioux scholars-as the author, you have no responsibility to accurately portray anything. Instead, take what history you can find out on the Internet and feel free to bastardize their cultural lore so that it fits into your story. Also, if you decide to use science to explain some of your fantasy elements, donâ€™t bother making it logically or factually sound.3. Do not give your characters personalities. Instead, make sure that your female lead is as perfect as possible (but donâ€™t forget to give her a contrived sense of humility). Obviously she must be pretty and smart, but donâ€™t bother giving examples of her intelligence; all you have to do to tie up that loose end is mention bad interpretations of classic literature. To make sure that she isnâ€™t TOO perfect, she needs a flaw. This is where it gets tricky; if you give her a true flaw, like hubris, she is less appealing. Therefore, use a â€œflawâ€ like clumsiness so that a) she is endearingly klutzy (allowing socially awkward young girls to put themselves in her shoes) and b) you have a great deus ex machina that allows your male lead* to swoop in and save the heroine from impaling** herself on a pencil after an attempt at a magic trick.* It is sometimes helpful to give your female heroine an Electra complex, as this further romanticizes the idea of the male hero carrying her around, watching her as she sleeps, being 100+ years older than her, etc., etc.** It is important to note that the heroine should not have to sacrifice anything besides her ambition. If you think she SHOULD sacrifice something, make sure that sheâ€™s only giving up her family and friends so that the she can devote her entire life and purpose of being to the hero. She should NOT have any kind of hobbies, interests, etc. outside of the hero, and if he leaves her she should become suicidal.That brings me to the male lead. While itâ€™s a given that he must be a perfect physical specimen, be careful not to give him any actual identifying characteristics because this will reduce your readerâ€™s ability to superimpose the image of her own Ã¢â‚¬Ëœperfect manâ€™ over the hollow shell of your character. As for personal traits, itâ€™s extremely effective to write him as a caricature of the Byronic hero. Your hero should be brooding, pseudo-dangerous, and have a deep, dark secret to cement his status as a sexy Ã¢â‚¬Ëœbad boyâ€™. Additionally, he must be extremely wealthy, drive fast cars, and enjoy watching the heroine sleep unawares.4. Ensure that your heroine and heroâ€™s relationship is abusive. An effective way to do this is to make sure that your male hero fulfills several of the requirements for relational abuse. A good definition of that is this one, from Wikipedia:Abusive relationships are often characterized by jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, infidelity, sexual coercion, verbal abuse, broken promises, physical violence, control games and power plays.Personally, I recommend using jealousy, lack of intimacy, sexual coercion, broken promises, and controlling behavior because those are all quite easy to justify; all the hero must do is claim that he acts out of his desire to protect the heroine from danger because of his overwhelming love for her. Additionally, if there is another possible romantic interest for the heroine outside of the hero, isolating the heroine from him is a particularly effective method for the hero to use. One example might be siphoning the gasoline from the heroineâ€™s moped to prevent her from leaving her house.It is especially important to note that the heroine must not find fault in the hero for his abusive actions, as that would make him much less appealing. Instead, she should excuse his behavior by saying â€œhe just loves meâ€ and then continue to submit to his will.If youâ€™re worried that this might send a bad message to young, hormonal teenagers struggling through their own romantic relationships, donâ€™t be. After all, as Heather says, â€œThis is a BOOK a FICTIONOUS BOOKâ€, and no one has ever been influenced by a work of fiction in the history of the world, ever. Not even people back in the 1800s who read books like Uncle Tomâ€™s Cabin. In the same way that people are not influenced by advertising or by peer pressure, reading novels does not have the least bit influence on anyone, least of all teenagers whose brains havenâ€™t finished developing.5. There should be no plot. Even though you may think that rising action, climax, falling action, and character development are important in a novel, theyâ€™re not. Instead, focus on the perfection of the male hero. If your editor forces you to write a plot, make sure itâ€™s just another opportunity for the hero to save the heroine.6. Profit!"Source: http://psa.blastmagazine.com/2008/08/23/twilight-a ...TL;DR: Twilight is ***** lol.
If newspapers only covered what was absolutely necessary to cover, not only would their sales be even LOWER, bt they would be 2 pages long.

Hobyan · Guest

“That would be so incredibly obnoxious.Imagine every douche on the planet sporting a glowing tattoo everywhere you look. Glowing tramp stamps. Especially the tools that rent out ad space on their own body with a corporate tattoo.I can see this useful for medical implants though.

Stone · Guest

And probably a few more times this year and then a few more next year, welcome to digg. News articles, what the ***** is that *****?.
AES is the standard for what the federal gov't uses for SECERT (128-bit) and TOP SECRET (256-bit). DoD uses Bitlocker as well. I doubt they use something that had a secret backdoor in it. Besides the AES format was developed by two Belgian cryptographers, Joan Daemen and Vincent Rijmen. It's available for anyone to use. It's not some secret magic formula made by Microsoft/USA.!

Shaina · Guest

It wasn't news when previous presidents did it, why does this suddenly now become newsworthy? The people babbling about "hey look this didn't change," what do you expect? No one person can change everything, and you need only look as far as our Congress and Senate to see who is blocking what.?
C.O.WCurrency over wenches.

Wattrina · Guest

Just in case anyone else is interested, here is the Army's guide for Casualty Notification Officers:http://www.gordon.army.mil/mpd/CAS/casualty_notifi ...

Anushik · Guest

Voting for something for personal gain? Bribery and corruption charges.Voting for something because it'll help your constituents? Re-election material. She did her job.

Bryant · Guest

The followup study then uses brain-scanning technology to understand how men learn to recognise women simply by reading their breasts.

Chakhan · Guest

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